Identity Crisis?|| Blogmas Day 15

15 - header

So today it’s a bit of a late one, and not really book-oriented, because I’m not having the best of days.

The last few days I’ve definitely been having a bit of a wobble (primarily due to my GP not seeing my anti-depressants as an urgent prescription and thinking it acceptable to make me go 3 days without them. They still haven’t done the prescription, but I have enough for a week from the pharmacy, and I can kick up a fuss on Monday if I still don’t have my repeat). However, that isn’t what I want to talk about today (as the rainbow in the header may indicate).

The other week, while on holiday, my friend made an offhand comment about how her dad misunderstood something I put on facebook (he misunderstood my “omg I’m going to be a bridesmaid” post as “omg I’m getting married”). And that she was proud of him because “He congratulated you even though if you were getting married, we all know it’d be to a woman.”

Thinking about it, I realised I’ve never actually ‘come out’. I’ve never felt the need to. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my sexuality, I know I prefer women, I just never felt the need to actually go and label myself. But do I need to tell my friends I’m gay? (or more gay than straight, or as I told my mother when I was all of 12 years old “not as straight as a ruler”).

I feel like I’ve lied to them, which is stupid because when I started uni and met them I never hid myself away. I was always 100% me. I make jokes about myself like “Doc Martens and a plaid shirt, you must be a lesbian!” at least twice a month, I frequently make references to particularly nice looking women, rant about the heteronormativity of the institution of marriage, talk very passionately about my favourite fictional lesbians, and regularly update them on LGBTQ+ news.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t exactly think I’m hiding in Narnia.

I told my mum I was (at the very least) bisexual when I was 12 – as I said above. It was a result of a pretty problematic set of circumstances as to why, involving a much older girl taking advantage of me (and it wasn’t just me, as I came to find out). My parents were cool with it, never told me it was just a phase or any of those cliche things. From what I recall, my actual ‘coming out experience’ with my parents was positive – it was so long ago, and the circumstances around it are those I want to forget, meaning I have sort of blurred it in my head.

But, 12 years on, and with a whole new set of friends around me do I actually need to do the whole coming out thing with the words “hey, guess what, I’m gay(ish)?” or is what I’ve already done – just being me, hella gay, and rocking it – enough?

So, if anyone ever wondered what going 3 days without antidepressants did to you, it is this. It makes you unable to sleep and have anxiety attacks over things people probably already know. It makes you question your whole identity, bring up trauma you thought was long behind you and question your entire existence.

Thank goodness for pharmacists and emergency prescriptions.

…T Minus 12 Hours

So it’s about 12 hours before I’ll be getting up for my first day of university! Eep. I can’t believe how quickly it’s come around, I really can’t. I’m so nervous about it, but really excited too. This is a new chapter, an exciting chapter and I’m just really looking forward to it. I do, however, sort of dislike being a local student this weekend, people have been moving in to halls and meeting people, going out, getting used to the campus (eating Haribo apparently, too!) and I’ve basically been sat in my house, in my onesie, annoying anyone who will give me a chance to!

My last week of freedom has been quite eventful. Tuesday I had a prizegiving evening, I didn’t win anything, I went to get a hog roast and some folders for uni from K (who I don’t quite know how to thank. I gave her brownies and I’ve promised to spoil her impending child, but I don’t even think that is enough!) K is amazing, really, she gave me 3 years worth of organic chemistry work. Notes on practically every aspect of my degree I was worrying about in 6 completely full lever arch files (and I love a lever arch) – it has taken a little bit of the worry from my system, I have to say.

Thursday I went in to the city after my SW group, mainly to get a cup of tea with my nanny. I found this beautiful little teashop, not far from where my sister works, that uses mismatched china and tea leaves and it’s just absolutely beautiful inside (The Teapot in St Gregory’s Alley, Norwich for anyone interested in teapots and china cups or just a cheap place to get a really nice pot of tea/cup of coffee!) and I knew from the second I walked in I had to take my nanny, my other grandmother will love it too and I intend to take her out for a day when she is off her holidays! Anyway, the rain poured and I walked home. It was miserable but I had a great day, I really did.

I went out Saturday, again with my nanny, but with my sister and we went down to the coast for a day. We usually go in the summer holidays, but one thing and another we ended up leaving it until the weekend before I started uni. It was a really lovely day and I even spoiled myself by having an icecream (lemon meringue. Yum <3) – I had been so good all day, resisted the temptation of doughnuts and fish and chips, we had Spud-U-Like for lunch (which was yumsk), so my treat to myself was icecream and boy did I enjoy it. So yes, lovely day at the beach, I didn’t win ANYTHING on the 2p machines though, which sucks. =(

This week has been stressful and quite turbulent though, really. However fondly I’m talking of the good memories I’ve made, there were some that weren’t so good. Emotionally I’m all over the place, a lot has happened and it’s left me drained and hurting. Hurting quite a lot actually. Friendships hurt more when you’re older, you become more involved, emotions become entwined; so when things go tits up it hurts ten times more than it did when you were 8 or 9 and someone ‘stole your friend’. I don’t think I need to elaborate much more than that, I don’t want to elaborate much more than that because it’s not fair on the other person involved in the situation. But I will say that I’m lucky I have the friends I do to see me through this ‘breakup’, one to distract me with Harry Potter and Criminal Minds chat, one to come to my house and eat biscuits (well, snack-a-jacks) with me and let me cry all over them, and most of my friends who don’t even know what the hell has happened but have just made me happy by saying something they didn’t realise would make me such a difference. I’m appreciating the small things in my friendships right now, counting the people that make me smile. I couldn’t get through each day without the people who make me smile and I’m feeling very blessed that I have so many people who do that in my life.

Tomorrow is Day 1 of the next chapter and I’m really ready for it to begin now.

I’m Going To Uni!

I’m still coming down from the high of Thursday. Having woke up at 5am, I honestly thought it was going to be the hardest 3 hours of my life waiting for Track to update. It was raining, I’d had anxiety dreams and I just didn’t want to get up – I saw it all as bad omens building up to the inevitable rejection. I feel so blessed that I have wonderful friends, Sophie was awake at 6 and managed to keep me company online until just after 7 (when she went back to bed).

It was at 7 that I started the incessant refreshing on UCAS – I thought it would be futile as Track wasn’t supposed to open until 8. But half past 7 track let me log in and I saw something that I never thought I’d see.


I just really can’t believe it – even now, 3 days later, I just keep falling in to a fit of giggles out of the sheer shock of it! My whole life, as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to go to university. When I was 8 I remember university first being mentioned at school – it all seemed so far away and crazy to even have to think about it, but I did and I knew I wanted to keep learning. At that time, I wanted to be a surgeon, I was in my Holby City phase. However, a lot happened, between that day and this, my heath deteriorated and improved two or three times – the thought of university seemed more and more unlikely as the years went on, I abandoned the dream of becoming a doctor  but I never gave up on the ultimate goal of university – but it became more of a dream than a distinct possibility. I admit I gave up hope, something I said I’d never do.

I’ll be the first to say my grades were pretty shocking, given how well my AS year went (I finished on BBB – though maths I was 3 UMS off of an A) – but I’m grateful I came out of that year with good grades, given how abysmally Year 13.1 and Year 13.2 went – I’m not proud of my end results (well, the B in chemistry I am most certainly over the moon with; biology I can live with and maths just breaks my heart a little, knowing how much time and effort my teachers put in to me) but I’m proud that I persevered on through the shit that was high school. I’m proud of what I achieved as a whole. Achievements aren’t just letters on a page, they’re what you feel inside. I know I did my best in my exams; the ultimate goal was reached and right now that’s all that matters and I’m looking towards the future.

I could never have done this without the support of the people around me; amazing friends and family. There are so many wonderful people who I just feel so blessed to have in my life. They’re responsible for me being able to do this. They’re the ones that got me through my exams, through the tears and sleepless nights worrying!

As of the September 26th, I’m an undergraudate. That’s scary but exciting, it’s a whole new adventure beginning, a whole new phase of my life – more importantly it’s a fresh start for me – and I can’t wait!